Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (2024)

A mom refusing to attend her daughter's wedding because her stepdaughter was not invited has received a storm of criticism on Reddit.

The post was shared two days ago on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA) subforum by a user whose account has been deleted.

The poster said she remarried when her biological daughter was 13 and her husband has a daughter who is two years younger. "Since the beginning, the girls did not get along. At first bio [biological] daughter was the one instigating, but eventually in their teens years, the 'hate' became mutual," the poster said.

Her daughter is getting married next year and having a "fairly large wedding." According to the poster, the bride-to-be said her stepsister was not invited to the wedding as "she's not family."

The poster told her daughter "by proxy, I'm also not family and so if it's a family only wedding, then there is no point in me attending."

Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (1)

Has the mother gone too far in the latest case? Or is her daughter being unreasonable?

Certified life coach Karen C.L. Anderson, who is an expert on difficult mother-adult daughter relationships, told Newsweek: "I suspect there's a lot of unresolved emotional trauma in this family from the divorce and subsequent marriages that is playing out."

The struggles among the stepfamily relations in the latest Reddit post are not surprising.

According to the American Psychological Association, "Under the best conditions, it may take two to four years for a new stepfamily to adjust to living together" and "the most difficult aspect of stepfamily life is parenting."

The complexities around mother-daughter relationships add another layer to the mix, especially because the bond between mothers and daughters is the strongest of all parent-child relations, according to a January 2016 study, published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

The study showed "positive associations of regional gray matter volume in the corticolimbic circuit [of the brain]...between biological mothers and daughters."

Corticolimbic circuitry is "known to be highly relevant in a wide range of processes, including mood regulation and depression," the study explained.

"This association was significantly greater than mother–son, father–daughter, and father–son associations," the study said.

'She's Not Family'

The mom in the latest Reddit post said her daughter and stepdaughter are now in their mid-20s and "their relationship has not gotten any better."

When the poster asked the bride-to-be why the stepdaughter was not invited, "her reasoning was that she wants an intimate wedding."

The poster said: "This would normally be a reasonable response, except for the fact that even friends that she hadn't seen since elementary school are invited but her step sister is not."

After being pressed by her mother, the bride-to-be revealed that her stepsister isn't invited because "she's not family," according to the poster.

The poster then said: "If [her] stepsister is not family, then neither is stepdad and her half siblings and by proxy I'm also not family and so if it's a family only wedding then there is no point in me attending."

According to the poster, the daughter got "upset and started screaming" and "told her aunts and grandparents and everyone is saying that I'm an a****** for refusing to attend her wedding."

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'Rupture Is Inevitable'

Anderson, who is a master certified coach and the author of several books about mother-daughter relationships, said: "Rupture is inevitable in human relationships and repair is [a] skill most of us never learned."

She said the best way for this mother to handle this situation is to first "examine what was triggered in her when her daughter made this request—what did she make this scenario mean about her?"

The mom should then "tend to herself kindly for having reacted that way."

Once she is feeling "clean and clear about that and is no longer feeling defensive," she should "genuinely apologize to her daughter" without any expectation that her daughter will change her mind, Anderson advised.

"This could go a long way towards repairing the relationship if she is willing to be vulnerable rather than defensive," the life coach said.

'Mom Is Just Exerting Control'

Several Redditors criticized the mom in the latest post and sided with her daughter.

In a comment that got over 26,000 upvotes, user Happy_Train9408 wrote: "YTA [you're the a******]. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?...it's well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by). Why do you think it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum?..."

Rumpelteazer45 noted: "SD [stepdaughter] probably doesn't want to go to the wedding either. Mom is just exerting control..."

PravinI123 agreed, stating "...maybe [you're] doing your daughter a favor by not attending her wedding. She doesn't need someone who can't put her first on one of her most important days. YTA."

BlitheCheese said: "Yes, absolutely. This 'mother' is one of the most selfish, unaware, cruel parents I have ever seen on Reddit. What kind of mother skips her own daughter's wedding in defense of and in alliance with an unrelated person who hates her daughter...?"

Aussiealterego added: "YTA. Even on her wedding day, you are not putting your [biological] daughter first..."

The original poster of this Reddit post could not be reached for comment.

Do you have a family-related dilemma to share? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

Bride-to-be excluding stepsister from wedding backed: "She's not family" (2024)

FAQs

How do you exclude family members from a wedding? ›

What you can say to them: “As much as we would love to have everyone we know at our big day, our venue has a capacity and unfortunately, we cannot invite everyone and are unable to have you attend. I hope you can understand.” It's important to be direct that you are talking about them not being able to attend.

Am I obligated to pay for my daughter's wedding? ›

While it is tradition that the parents pay for the daughter's wedding, some people are trying to stay away from this tradition. This is not mandatory if the couple is in good financial health. If both of you are covering a bigger portion of the expenses, it makes sense to ask for help from the parents.

How do you deal with family members that exclude you? ›

Initiate an open and honest conversation with your family members, friends or partner about your feelings. Explain how their actions have made you feel excluded and express your desire to be more involved. By addressing the issue directly, you give them an opportunity to understand your perspective and bridge the gap.

How to respond to not being invited to a family wedding? ›

Be gentle with people's feelings, whether you're the bride or a guest. “[As a guest], I think it's better to reach out and go 'Look, I know you're getting married. I'm so happy for you. I understand I'm not invited and I assume there are all sorts of reasons and it's fine.

How much should parents pay for a daughter's wedding? ›

While it was once customary for the bride's family to pick up the wedding tab, times have certainly changed. These days, parents, on average, cover 52 percent of the budget while couples take on the remaining 48 percent, according to a recent report from The Knot.

Is the woman's family supposed to pay for wedding? ›

Key Takeaways. The bride's family pays for the wedding, but that custom is rapidly changing.

What are the parents of the bride expected to pay for? ›

Not only does the bride's family pay for the wedding day outfit and accessories (veil, shoes, jewelry and more), but they're also responsible for the bride's wardrobe for all of the pre-wedding events (the shower, bach party, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon).

How do you uninvite a family member to a wedding? ›

BE HONEST WITH YOUR GUESTS

If you feel very strongly about your decision to uninvite someone, then it's best to be honest about why and speak from the heart. Telling your story will help your guests understand. Be careful not to over-explain though, you don't need to go into why you chose one person and over another.

How to tell family not invited to a wedding? ›

How To Tell Someone They're Not Invited To Your Wedding - 5 Tips
  1. Tell Them Directly. ...
  2. Your Desire to Keep it Intimate. ...
  3. Inform Them of the Venue Capacity. ...
  4. Express to Them Your Tight Budget. ...
  5. Articulate Your Wedding Guest List is a Work in Progress.
Feb 16, 2023

Is it okay to not invite certain family members to a wedding? ›

There may be certain family members you don't want to invite to your wedding for various reasons, such as past conflicts or strained relationships. Before making any decisions about whom to invite, it's important to sit down with your partner and discuss your reasons for not wanting certain family members to attend.

References

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